...

" I woke up in tears .. 

  I woke up in pain today..

Memories are so strong and so blurry at the same time, the feelings of them are the only thing that stay when my eyes are wide open. I don't remember a thing, but I feel everything

I'm tired... 

I'm tired of feeling pain.

I know it too damn well, it no longer makes me feel alive...it makes me close my eyes.

[I don't want it anymore]

[-What my child ? ]

[To continue ]

I laugh and I cry at the same time, I'm starting to lose myself in this greyness , no more dark, no longer light, it's just senseless flat gray around me, why should I even try to try to understand

and there he is .. he opens his eyes --- gray as the place i'm in, and offers his hand to me... he tells me to go on, to take his hand.. he smiles, he sighs ... he tries to make me understand that i can feel good too... And all I can do is stay on the floor and cry , stay as far away as possible from this grey eyes entity

three hours of some sort of "aching attack" and noise... 

[ we cry, we laugh, we panic, we try to stay alive ... we try not to at all]

"I'm having a bad time" with no glowing blue eyes 

but "flowers all around me" start to cut the air I breathe 

I want to get out but I don't want to move, I need to shout out loud but nothing comes out.

family loses her head, the room is a mess... she wants me to stay, as I want to leave...he wants me to hang on as I want to let go, and the little angel cries with me and hugs me as hard as she can so I can't hurt myself.

I'm tired.. sir

I want to sleep. "

How are you? 


- Still here


How so ? 


- Nevermind .. 


Oh come on, forgot your pills?, everything's fine! 


- Sure it is *smile*

Don't make that face... don't try for even one second dare to say "geezz much period" I'm sick of those kind of phrases, I'm sick of your racist jokes about my people, specially about my roots; I'm also sick of people telling me I'm not what I used to be, thought that last one makes me laugh a bit.

I'm quite tired, so: Please, try to understand, and if you don't want to, it's ok, the door is wide open, but if you insist your head will be. I’m no longer up to unproductive comments and attitudes like those.

I left home a few years ago because I wanted to learn from others, open my eyes to other cultures, other traditions. To show them what I have to offer from my land, from a different point of view and specially to see what other things I could do of my life. I wanted to open the door of POSSIBLE for many I know , specially for one.

Things come at a price. Flying means leaving things behind, taking risks mean you have to sail sometimes in the middle of a storm and only hope that your skills and hands are solid enough to survive it. Where not being "good enough" can actually be the difference between eating or not. Now lets not talk about being the best ! We already have enough pressure as it is.

Friends, family, cats and basically my life, I left them behind because I made that choice, I wanted to live beyond our social standars, far away from the "you must" of clothes, hair, love choices, work choices, everything. I wanted to be able to survive this concrete jungle we built all by myself because -old news- our loved ones won't be there for us always.

Soon I will be home, I'll be able to say good bye to the ones I couldn't see in a proper way, hug the ones that were always there for me and welcome the little ones I don't know yet..

But you know? it is hard, it is FUCKING hard to see all what you knew continues to grow and go forward without you, while you try to float in a sea of unknown :

Unknown language

Unkown country 

Unkown system 

Unknown "normality" for others

So I guess it's kind of normal that at one point you feel a bit overwhelmed, but hey! it's alright, let's make the unknown something more solid so we can say se are ON-Known-lands... There goes the third round of efforts :)

So yes, next time you feel like asking me " oh gosh , someone forgot to take their pills today ?" or " still won't go out on a date? tic toc!", please be kind enough to stick that right down your throat and head to the nearest loo you find. Or when you feel I'm no longer at the level of your expectatives that you have to tell me "you are no longer what you used to, you need to relax" please just, don't. Because I'm tired. 

Fighting against the current 24h/7 is something that demands lots of energy. 

Your "jokes" don't make it better, telling me what should I do or don't ain't exactly the brightest idea either, and asking me why I can't give certain "basic" things , why I can't have a "normal" relation with others, is not going to change my mind or reconsider “stuff”, I have lots of things to do already. And there are people worth every single effort, they already know who they are. 

 I've never talked about that, for me explaining those kind of things is like teaching 2+2 for the 90th time to a fly. But I AM tired.

I am tired of those that call themselves a friend and spit poison instead, of those that say they know love but the only thing they do is suck it up from others. 

When people ask me " Do you miss your home ?" Most of the time I answered : sometimes. I mean, normal, they are always with me wherever I go. so yeah sometimes ..

But when someone closes their eyes forever .. I do feel alone.

I'm an OCEAN away from any physical touch related to my blood, so yeah sometimes loneliness is there. But it's ok because I made that choice and they accepted it, they helped me to go through it. (Fortunatedly I’ve met people , shinny as the sun to bright up my days, and they come in all shapes and sounds , thank you.) 

Yes, I am tired, and I am going home.

[ Catharsis in Musica ]

Can you explode inside...?


Is feeling too much a sin ? .. Thinking too much ? .. at what point does your feelings get over boarded with thoughts.. is that even possible ? ..

it's... me..not

thoughts .. thinking
the analysis of every single detail , context, cause, reason, why ? there is always a reason even f there is no reason at all .. what does it matter then ? ..

frustration
unfeeling
feeling again
revolcarse en esa misma mierda una y otra vez, repetirtelo mil veces si es necesario para que salga de tu sistema o lo dejes tatuado en el alma... que importa...

rage.. pain... fear...

as ganas de reventarte los tendones y los dedos uno a uno con cada letra que se desliza por las mejillas, as the tears roll off the cheeks ...

silence..,,,

a nadie parece importarle

what does it have to happen for someone to turn and actually see you ?

not even death is enough sometimes ... rarely actually

push the limits

break them
eat them
bend them
mess ...them




hidden in the shadows
in the moonlight
in myself

beneath myself
beneath her and him
under the layers of feelings to ger away from them

why is thinking so important ?

for thinking you don't need to feel

whynot feeling ?


feeling... hurts
hurts bad
hurts good
hurts in passion
it burns
it begs
it weeps and it rolls at the feet of anyone that controls them


save

who
from what

the light..it ain't dark, i can see the stars through the crack

come and dance
with her
with him...


until they feet bleed, until they can't anymore..until you reach me out of exhaustion, out of passion pout of hate but full of love



are you smart enough


are you vivid enough


passionate...can you drown the thoughts in feelings?

can you rescue the feelings from the cold of thoughts..?



me?

Time ...

The only thing that never goes or comes, it always is ...

Is it been as long as this old bones can tell ? .. Tell me child how long have you abandoned yourself to the abyss of silence and limbo ?

[Not that long if you see how long I've waited ..]

For a fragment of life ? For the absurd idea of hope and redemption ?
"No no my eldest, it ain't absurd .. we all know it never was... the stupid block in the tip of our fingers is absolutely frustrating.. inadequate ! It lacks of spice and soul.. it lacks OF WORDS  !"
...It lacks of words as much as you lacked of feelings .. - [Feelings are undervalued ! ] ≤Feelings are just a waist of time> "Shut up !! Feelings are why we live for !"


Now I see you've been opening your eyes ... tell me, are you going to do the same thing as before ? Try to let her know the world over a little slit in the door for only telling her two seconds later she can't go out because it's a dangerous place ?
Be aware of what you are trying to reach here child ... she's dying ... little by little she misses air as much as you miss freedom or as much as he misses you and your family ..

I won't let anyone of you play any longer with my children needs .. you open the door... even for a frac's of time ... and I shall destroy it for ever.
No chains
No constraints
No more protection for anyone

You shall die on your feet and stop living on your knees